butterfly3ffect

Everyone would be better off without me. I’m just unnecessary and useless to everyone.

Everyone leaves me sooner or later anyways. I’m not important. It’s not that hard to replace someone like me.

Happy 16th Birthday to me.

Today would have been a pretty decent birthday, but people didn’t believe it was my birthday. They kept questioning if today really was my birthday. Would I really lie about something like that? It’s understandable I guess. There’s 9 people at school with the same birthday, so it must seem pretty ridiculous to be born on this day. My AP Psychology teacher did make me happy though. Just because she was so happy and enthusiastic that today was my birthday, and she’s normally a very calm and strict person. She kept asking how my day was, what I’m planning on doing, how old I am, and she was just jolly in general. Of course, I had to lie to her, because she was just so happy so I didn’t want to tell her that my birthday is one of my least favorite days. I have some pretty terrific friends though. I love them so much, they’re just amazing. But then again, I have some of the shittiest friends that anyone could have. It made me question why I’m always so nice to them. They just treated me like shit today, and didn’t even bother to tell me happy birthday. I guess it might be selfish and self-centered to ask someone to tell me happy birthday, but it’s just common courtesy. It’s just like saying please and thank you. Especially if we’re supposed to be best friends. I guess it’s alright for them to treat me like shit, and when I’m upset, they ask me what the fuck my problem is. But besides that, I didn’t do anything. No celebration. Nothing. And I guess I’m okay with it. Actually to be completely honest I’m not alright. But I’m never happy on my birthday. I’ll be happier a few days after. Or a week. Or just some other day that doesn’t significantly symbolize my birth.

I don’t like birthdays.

Summer 2011 was definitely an unforgettable summer for me with tons of memories. This summer didn’t start off very well, I was really unhappy during the start of summer for various reasons. SAT summer classes were a pain, and everyday after classes, I would walk down to a cafe and read a book while drinking tea. It was one of the most calming and relaxing times of my summer, and I enjoyed visiting that cafe greatly.

Then began my trip to L.A, which was one of the best weeks in my life. I learned so much, I met countless of amazing people, I had so much fun, and I met a particular somebody. It was an unforgettable trip, and I miss L.A so much. So many things happened in such a short period of time, and we all became really close to each other so quickly. I was so nervous at first, but once I got past that anxiousness, everything was so memorable and fun. I really miss it. I miss everyone. This summer was really great, and I hope that this new year will be tolerable and fast. Goodbye to Summer 2011

-Norwegian Wood / Haruki Marukami

Slowly, slowly, all the cracks and holes in my heart began to mend together and heal. Everything looks a little brighter, everything seems a little warmer, and the world seems a little kinder. The warmth of another person is a pretty amazing thing. Having that sort of a bond with someone is really something special. Silences aren’t awkward, knowing that there’s someone to always protect you and back you up whenever you need it, and it’s comforting to have someone next to your side. Even if everything is temporary and ephemeral, it’s good to enjoy things while they last and make the most of it.

I’m going to LA for about two weeks. I’m kind of nervous, because I have absolutely no idea what to be expecting there. I don’t really have much of a plan, and all of this is really new to me. It’s like an adventure to something unknown for me. I hope this will all go well. But I just have a sort of feeling that this is the kind of get away I need to have fun and not worry. I would like to write down all the stuff that happens, but I won’t be taking my laptop with me. I just hope everything is fine.

Pray for safe travels and a good time.

Beyond a mere puppy love or crush, but not ready for love. I still think that my feelings are a bit ambiguous, because I’ve been trying to suppress these feelings for so long. I’ve been in denial, but denying this is hopeless now. Age difference does not faze me at all, even though I know that people won’t care and they’ll just tell me I’m silly and that this is only temporary. I disagree. When no one else could provoke any interest or care from me, you managed to gradually tear down the emotional walls I built and found a way into my heart. I care about you so much. In even the slightest ways, thoughts of you slowly creep into my mind. I’m nearly certain that you can’t reciprocate my feelings, and I shouldn’t even be this way in the first place and I’m completely distraught and confused— yet certain now of my feelings.
I wouldn’t mind spending everyday with you. I trust you. You make me smile, and when I’m with you, I don’t have any worries. I feel safe.  I tell you everything, and you know  pretty much everything about me, from exactly what time I wake up everyday, what foods I don’t like, what I’m going to say, and you can translate what I think just by a slight change in my facial reaction. My mind is completely at ease when we’re together.
I just want to be the one to make you happy. I’d do anything for you if it’d make you smile. I want to make you laugh when you’re sad, I want to bring more excitement and joy into your life, comfort you when you’re stressed, and to always be here to support you and cheer you on. I want to be with you through every step in your life. I never want to be a bother to you. A relationship is really impractical between us, I know. But as long as you don’t mind having me tag along next to your side; I’ll be content. I’m completely loyal to you, and I won’t waver in my decision. I know I can’t be your most important person, but if you could just let me in a little more into your heart bit by bit. I know I’ll never be able to say this to you in person, but all my feelings are poured out into this silly little post. I’ll keep all of this to myself, and you’ll probably never find out. But it’s okay. I’ll wait, and maybe someday later I can confess all of this to you. Please, just wait a little longer. I’m trying to grow up quickly for you, so that you can see me mentally and physically as a woman instead of a little girl or teenager. Wait a little longer until we can both be adults. I’m trying to catch up to you, and if you could be a little patient, I’ll be there.

I hate that negativity that other people have that’s so contagious. Always having a frown on your face, always making harsh remarks and comments, brutal criticism about the simplest of things. All of that negative energy really affects others. It’s making me really irritated too. I know I can be really negative sometimes, but I try not to let it affect those around me.

I hate it when your mood changes so quickly too. You’ll be normal and cheery, but the next fucking moment you’re a total bitch. And now I’m in a completely shitty mood, and I don’t want to talk to anyone. All I wanted was to go to the gym, and it’s a 5 minute drive. If you really didn’t want to do shit for me, just say so. Don’t just stare at me like I’m the one with the problem. And I know after this silent treatment, you’re going to just explode and just tear and rip at me, trying to make me feel bad. I’m sorry but I’m pretty immune to that stuff. Yeah yeah, I’m the worst person, I’m a bitch, I’m going to regret all of this, I’m never going to survive, nobody’s going to like me. I know. I regret my entire life, already, so telling you to just give me a little alone time isn’t a big thing that I regret.

And you. I know I haven’t seen you in a long time, so could you not make our little reunion so negative? Complaining about everything. “Why is it so expensive? Bad service, I’m never fucking coming here again. This tastes really weird, it’s really off. This is too expensive it’s not worth it. I don’t want to take any of your shit anymore.” Well, it doesn’t mean that you should be the one giving everyone else shit. I’m so fed up with it. Stop complaining all the time. I’m sorry that every little detail is not up to your expectation, but that’s just life. Stop being so negative and rude. Your negativity is just affecting me, and I don’t want to be in this terrible mood.

It’s slightly amazing and shocking at how much you know about me. When you said that you knew me better than I knew myself, I didn’t doubt your claim. By just looking at me, you know exactly how I’m feeling. You finish my sentences, and once I open my mouth to speak, you say what I’m going to say and I’m just dumbstruck. Maybe I’m just really that predictable? I don’t know. It’s as if you can read my mind, which I really hope you don’t– because my thoughts are not entirely appropriate at some times. You just know me much too well.

I hope I never take your kindness for granted. I don’t know whether it’s out of manners, or if it’s genuine, but either way I appreciate everything you do for me. All the little favors that you do. Without me even needing to ask if I need a ride, you just say “A ride to where”. Buying me a drink, paying for lunch, keeping me company, you just do so much for me. You know exactly what to do to cheer me up, you know what I like, what I don’t like, who I don’t like, my personality, and all my actions, behaviors, and words. You know my schedule pretty well too- what time I’ll sleep, wake up, when I’ll go out with friends, when I’ll eat (or whether I’ve been eating or not), etc.

But I don’t know as much about you. I know you don’t like large crowds. You avoid people, you go out very early in the morning, or very late at night when there aren’t many people. You live alone. You think your life is very boring. I say your life seems kind of lonely, but you say you don’t mind too much. Your friends are all getting married, while you don’t even bother with girls. When it’s rainy, you never use the windshield wipers because you hate the little triangle that the wipers can’t reach. You really like shrimp. You eat the whole thing, from head to tail. You have one of the worst shirt tans ever. You hate it when I mention your age. But there’s so much I don’t know, and it makes me slightly uncomfortable. I want to know you better. I want to spend even more time with you and become closer to you.

That really anxious, terrified, nervous, paranoid, feeling where my stomach feels like it’s twisting up in fear and fear and my mind is racing like crazy because I’m in such a panic, and I begin to think all these terrible, paranoid thoughts that makes me think that I bother everyone and make everyone’s life difficult and that you actually don’t like me and don’t want to see me because I’m a nuisance.

I’m panicking right now. I’m scared scared scared for a reply.