butterfly3ffect

• wake up
• a lot of coffee
• classes
• tennis
• homework
• sleep when I’m finally so exhausted that my little asian eyes are barely even slits
• repeat

It’s one in the morning, and the rest of the family is sleeping. Except for you, of course. Not really doing anything, some soft Schubert piano music playing from your laptop, a bottle of half drank soju in one hand, just thinking- not very clear thinking anymore, nonetheless thinking. And you don’t know why you’re doing that, but you’re doing it anyways. You secretly keep bottles of alcohol in the kimchi fridge outside, and whenever one of those “moods” hits, you grab a bottle and go through the same routine. Drinking, listening to music, and thinking. The thinking gets fuzzier after a while, but you don’t care. “That’s becoming a bad habit, you know. You should stop.” says one of your friends. But you don’t care, you know it already, but you still think you can stop at any time that you choose- but you don’t. And drinking isn’t even a pleasant feeling when it’s by yourself. Your body feels like it’s being weighed down by a sack of bricks, your throat is on fire, your breath smells, and your stomach flips repeatedly.

Your stomach is a little weak tonight because you haven’t eaten, and you begin to actually feel sick when the bottle is 3/4 gone, but you don’t care, your cognition is messed up due to the alcohol anyway. You get dizzy, you feel even heavier and sicker but you’re still trying to think. Trying to comprehend everything. Why you’re doing this, why things are the way they are,  people that you miss, people that you love, people that you hate, people that you want to meet, people that you’ve met, old memories, recent memories, everything. Thoughts such as “Could I have made a difference?”, “Was it really my fault?”, “I wonder if he’s alright.”, “What did I do wrong?”, “Am I really that terrible of a person?”. But there’s never any answers.

And drinking is something that you won’t do with anyone else. You never go to parties, you don’t want to. Drinking with friends doesn’t seem “cool”. Drinking in general isn’t a positive thing. But its comforting, by yourself. That heavy feeling in your chest is replaced by the heavy feeling in your limbs. And the constant worries disappear, because worrying is hard when your mind becomes cloudy with alcohol. And it helps to sleep easier. After a bottle, or maybe a bottle and a half, sleep comes easier than ever. And that too, is comforting.

With 2012, things are going to change as always. But it’s time for a fresh beginning. I’ll leave everything behind in 2011, and start new. I’ll forget about all the bad things, and make 2012 a good year.

I don’t think 2011 was that bad of a year. Okay, that was kind of an understatement, but in comparison to other years, 2011 went by quickly. A lot of stuff happened this year. The most significant things that I can remember off the top of my head is varsity tennis, my band teacher leaving school, the seniors of 2011 graduating, summertime, and how shitty the year got in the end.

Varsity tennis wasn’t really a good experience. But it was memorable nonetheless, because of how miserable it was. Being in pain for a good month, not being able to eat, not being able to go out when I wanted, having an awful tennis tan, being bitched at all the time, waking up early on Saturday for practice, not getting enough sleep, and all the stress. It’s definitely not fun. And yet, varsity season is right around the corner again. So it’s time for the same cycle again, and it’s not like I can actually get out of it.

My band teacher leaving school was definitely fucking significant. Because he was the only teacher that I fully respected, and he taught me so many life lessons, and I really miss him. Class is fucking hell now, but I’ve still been trying hard to get used to it and be respectful and all that shit. And I still remember clearly the class period that he told us about his health and all that. And that last concert. Oh man, so many tears.

Summer was kind of a good change, I think. I remember after I had classes in the summer, I would just spend time at a small coffee shop every day, drinking my tea and reading a book. It was relaxing, and there was nobody to bother me or talk to me, and I actually enjoyed it a lot. Just me, minding my own business while everyone minded their own. Being able to fully read a book without anyone pestering me, and just listening to my Epik High playlist. I really missed that. And also, going to L.A was definitely enjoyable. I learned a lot about medical stuff, and I even did some hands on stuff, which was actually kind of gross, but it was interesting. And it was just refreshing to have to depend on myself, and being on the UCLA campus. I also met a lot of friends there, and I miss them a lot. And all of it was really just fun, and there were lots of good memories.

And then after the half year point, school started, I fucked up, I made mistakes, I didn’t give a shit, I became stressed, things just got shitty, which brings me to today, the last day of the year.

I just carelessly threw everything away. I’m ruining my friendships, I’ve messed up my grades this quarter, and I’m ruining myself. I don’t know what happened, I don’t know why I did the things that I did, but I’m realizing that I’ve made so many mistakes that could have been easily avoided. Things didn’t even seem too bad, but now when I think back during this second half of the year, it’s as if I dug myself a bottomless ditch and I just keep falling and falling, and I become worse and worse.

I just became so careless and uncaring. I said so many heartless and selfish things to people that I care about without realizing that I actually upset them. Telling people to leave me alone, telling them to go away, without any consideration, selfishly telling them about myself and disregarding their life. I feel terrible about it now, and I really did fuck up my friendships. And what’s worse is that I’m not even bothering to make any amends. I’m just isolating myself further, and I don’t even make the effort to talk to people. Conversations are all empty.

I completely slacked off this quarter, to the point that I’m actually getting a D+ in one of my classes. Compared to my normal A’s and occasional B’s, this is definitely a dramatic fall in my grades. If I wanted to get anywhere in life, I know that I needed to get decent grades in high school, and I just end up fucking up this quarter. The last two weeks of this quarter, I knew that I fell into some deep shit and I desperately tried to get a higher score, to no avail. Going to sleep past 2 in the morning, unable to even sleep because my mind was constantly plagued with anxiety and thoughts of disappointment, staying awake in classes only due to caffeine, and acting like a bitch to everyone because I was too exhausted to deal with anyone.

And I actually thought that I was alright. I kept telling myself that I’m fine, and I’m just worrying about stupid stuff and that I need to get over it because no one cares. And so I ignored everything, and just said that I didn’t care. But my personality is really just shit, and people were right when they think that I’m a shit person. Though I really thought that I was okay for once, and even though I was never really happy, I was content, but I was just being selfish, careless, and rude. Maybe I really was always like this and I only realized it now. But everything truly did seem like everything was okay, yet now I find myself stuck in depression’s vicious cycle again, and I really just need to get myself together again.

Everyone would be better off without me. I’m just unnecessary and useless to everyone.

Everyone leaves me sooner or later anyways. I’m not important. It’s not that hard to replace someone like me.

Happy 16th Birthday to me.

Today would have been a pretty decent birthday, but people didn’t believe it was my birthday. They kept questioning if today really was my birthday. Would I really lie about something like that? It’s understandable I guess. There’s 9 people at school with the same birthday, so it must seem pretty ridiculous to be born on this day. My AP Psychology teacher did make me happy though. Just because she was so happy and enthusiastic that today was my birthday, and she’s normally a very calm and strict person. She kept asking how my day was, what I’m planning on doing, how old I am, and she was just jolly in general. Of course, I had to lie to her, because she was just so happy so I didn’t want to tell her that my birthday is one of my least favorite days. I have some pretty terrific friends though. I love them so much, they’re just amazing. But then again, I have some of the shittiest friends that anyone could have. It made me question why I’m always so nice to them. They just treated me like shit today, and didn’t even bother to tell me happy birthday. I guess it might be selfish and self-centered to ask someone to tell me happy birthday, but it’s just common courtesy. It’s just like saying please and thank you. Especially if we’re supposed to be best friends. I guess it’s alright for them to treat me like shit, and when I’m upset, they ask me what the fuck my problem is. But besides that, I didn’t do anything. No celebration. Nothing. And I guess I’m okay with it. Actually to be completely honest I’m not alright. But I’m never happy on my birthday. I’ll be happier a few days after. Or a week. Or just some other day that doesn’t significantly symbolize my birth.

I don’t like birthdays.

Summer 2011 was definitely an unforgettable summer for me with tons of memories. This summer didn’t start off very well, I was really unhappy during the start of summer for various reasons. SAT summer classes were a pain, and everyday after classes, I would walk down to a cafe and read a book while drinking tea. It was one of the most calming and relaxing times of my summer, and I enjoyed visiting that cafe greatly.

Then began my trip to L.A, which was one of the best weeks in my life. I learned so much, I met countless of amazing people, I had so much fun, and I met a particular somebody. It was an unforgettable trip, and I miss L.A so much. So many things happened in such a short period of time, and we all became really close to each other so quickly. I was so nervous at first, but once I got past that anxiousness, everything was so memorable and fun. I really miss it. I miss everyone. This summer was really great, and I hope that this new year will be tolerable and fast. Goodbye to Summer 2011

-Norwegian Wood / Haruki Marukami

Slowly, slowly, all the cracks and holes in my heart began to mend together and heal. Everything looks a little brighter, everything seems a little warmer, and the world seems a little kinder. The warmth of another person is a pretty amazing thing. Having that sort of a bond with someone is really something special. Silences aren’t awkward, knowing that there’s someone to always protect you and back you up whenever you need it, and it’s comforting to have someone next to your side. Even if everything is temporary and ephemeral, it’s good to enjoy things while they last and make the most of it.