butterfly3ffect

I’m 16, not 46 for goodness’ sake. I can freely laugh at lame jokes, doodle on notes, complain about being bored, be noisy and outgoing, and just do whatever I want. Who are you to judge me? I don’t need to act “mature and sophisticated” in order to please you. And it’s not like you’re mature in the first place, so what justifies you to criticize me in the first place? We’re only young for a certain amount of time, and I want to enjoy my youth. There’s nothing wrong about acting your age. Besides, adults are some of the worst creatures on this planet. There’s no hurry in being an adult. I want to retain the scraps of innocence that I have left.

Besides, I’ve been through more shit than you’ll ever experience. I’ve never had much of a childhood, and you actually don’t know anything about me. If playing Chutes and Ladders makes me smile, why does it make you so upset? What kind of a “friend” does that even make you?

And also, why does my well-being make you so mad? It’s not even significant or actually “successful”. Saying things like “She doesn’t deserve anything.” It’s really hurtful, you know. I work hard to achieve the little that I do. When I won the election, you went around saying “I wish she didn’t win”, or “She doesn’t deserve to win”. True backstabbing, coming from a supposed friend. When you asked me my class rank, and I was a good 20 spots ahead of you, you furiously left the room. Even with the small things. After you cut your hair to your shoulders, you began to nag me to cut my hair. You keep pestering me, telling me “Why is your hair so long now”, “You should cut your hair”, “I don’t like your hair long”. None of it is your business, so just stop bothering me about it.  I don’t even understand it. Why does all of it make you so mad?

I’m piling on so much stress for the next school year. Mainly because there’s so much that I need to do,  I don’t have the time, and it’s not like my life will be any better anyway. I’m taking 3 periods of AP classes with a full schedule of no study halls, I’ll still be section leader for band (without much choice), I’m now vice president of the student body council, I’m still joining varsity tennis, I need to get a part time job, I need to learn how to drive, and I need to worry about college.

I don’t even know if I can handle all of this, but quite frankly, I don’t care anymore. I’m just going to do as much as I can and see if I can bear with it. I’ll push myself even more to the brink of exhaustion. I should also worry about personal relationships, but again, I really don’t care anymore. I’ll still keep a safe distance from most of my friends. It’ll be senior year anyways. Keep close enough to not be alone, but far enough to still be lonely. I feel like getting a boyfriend, but relationships never work out with me. Either way, my well-being is not a concern, and I’m just curious to see the extent of my actual stability.

My feet bleed almost every day, my socks are stained with blood. I have three blisters on my left feet, two on my right. My left elbow is swollen and slightly bruised, my hands are raw and peeling. It stings to wash my hands. This is all from tennis. You think I don’t try hard on the court? I try my best. I never complained to you about any of this, but you still bash me for “not trying my best” and that I don’t try to win. Of course I hate losing. What’s so good about feeling defeated? I’m sick of you complaining all the time. Just shut the fuck up, okay? I’ve won more games than any of the other people on the team. Let me just play my game. You’ve never really supported us anyway, so leave us be.

Lol if you think you’re fucked up and that you have a stressful life, then what the fuck am I considered then? I go through ten times the shit that you go through.

I just visited a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with dysthymia, but she said that there’s a high possibility of having both dysthymia and major depression, although they’re both kind of similar. And they said they needed to run more tests. And she also said that I should’ve visited a long time ago, instead of waiting till now because she suspected that this stuff isn’t recent. Though I’m not going to be going back to get any more testing because my parents say that depression isn’t real, and all of this was silly.

But I guess that it was a good-to-know fact, I guess. In my AP Psych class, we always take surveys and quizzes that relate to what we’re reviewing in class. So about a month ago, we were taking a survey to check for depression, the higher the score, the higher the depression, and when the class began to share, someone said that she got a 45, and was complaining about something like how she felt “guilty” from a volleyball game or something like that, and then I said that my score was 75. And the whole class got really silent, and that girl with the 45 just had her mouth kinda hanging open. And my teacher looked super worried and said “A 75? You got a 75…Out of 80..” Though I had no idea that it was that bad or anything. Because I assumed that the normal scores were around that range. But apparently 20-30 was the normal range. So my teacher was worried, and kept asking if I was okay, but I thought that it was normal, and the extra attention was making me uncomfortable. Though she tried to reassure me that maybe it was just the test, but she told me that I ought to see a psychiatrist and she recommended one to me.

• wake up
• a lot of coffee
• classes
• tennis
• homework
• sleep when I’m finally so exhausted that my little asian eyes are barely even slits
• repeat

It’s one in the morning, and the rest of the family is sleeping. Except for you, of course. Not really doing anything, some soft Schubert piano music playing from your laptop, a bottle of half drank soju in one hand, just thinking- not very clear thinking anymore, nonetheless thinking. And you don’t know why you’re doing that, but you’re doing it anyways. You secretly keep bottles of alcohol in the kimchi fridge outside, and whenever one of those “moods” hits, you grab a bottle and go through the same routine. Drinking, listening to music, and thinking. The thinking gets fuzzier after a while, but you don’t care. “That’s becoming a bad habit, you know. You should stop.” says one of your friends. But you don’t care, you know it already, but you still think you can stop at any time that you choose- but you don’t. And drinking isn’t even a pleasant feeling when it’s by yourself. Your body feels like it’s being weighed down by a sack of bricks, your throat is on fire, your breath smells, and your stomach flips repeatedly.

Your stomach is a little weak tonight because you haven’t eaten, and you begin to actually feel sick when the bottle is 3/4 gone, but you don’t care, your cognition is messed up due to the alcohol anyway. You get dizzy, you feel even heavier and sicker but you’re still trying to think. Trying to comprehend everything. Why you’re doing this, why things are the way they are,  people that you miss, people that you love, people that you hate, people that you want to meet, people that you’ve met, old memories, recent memories, everything. Thoughts such as “Could I have made a difference?”, “Was it really my fault?”, “I wonder if he’s alright.”, “What did I do wrong?”, “Am I really that terrible of a person?”. But there’s never any answers.

And drinking is something that you won’t do with anyone else. You never go to parties, you don’t want to. Drinking with friends doesn’t seem “cool”. Drinking in general isn’t a positive thing. But its comforting, by yourself. That heavy feeling in your chest is replaced by the heavy feeling in your limbs. And the constant worries disappear, because worrying is hard when your mind becomes cloudy with alcohol. And it helps to sleep easier. After a bottle, or maybe a bottle and a half, sleep comes easier than ever. And that too, is comforting.

With 2012, things are going to change as always. But it’s time for a fresh beginning. I’ll leave everything behind in 2011, and start new. I’ll forget about all the bad things, and make 2012 a good year.

I don’t think 2011 was that bad of a year. Okay, that was kind of an understatement, but in comparison to other years, 2011 went by quickly. A lot of stuff happened this year. The most significant things that I can remember off the top of my head is varsity tennis, my band teacher leaving school, the seniors of 2011 graduating, summertime, and how shitty the year got in the end.

Varsity tennis wasn’t really a good experience. But it was memorable nonetheless, because of how miserable it was. Being in pain for a good month, not being able to eat, not being able to go out when I wanted, having an awful tennis tan, being bitched at all the time, waking up early on Saturday for practice, not getting enough sleep, and all the stress. It’s definitely not fun. And yet, varsity season is right around the corner again. So it’s time for the same cycle again, and it’s not like I can actually get out of it.

My band teacher leaving school was definitely fucking significant. Because he was the only teacher that I fully respected, and he taught me so many life lessons, and I really miss him. Class is fucking hell now, but I’ve still been trying hard to get used to it and be respectful and all that shit. And I still remember clearly the class period that he told us about his health and all that. And that last concert. Oh man, so many tears.

Summer was kind of a good change, I think. I remember after I had classes in the summer, I would just spend time at a small coffee shop every day, drinking my tea and reading a book. It was relaxing, and there was nobody to bother me or talk to me, and I actually enjoyed it a lot. Just me, minding my own business while everyone minded their own. Being able to fully read a book without anyone pestering me, and just listening to my Epik High playlist. I really missed that. And also, going to L.A was definitely enjoyable. I learned a lot about medical stuff, and I even did some hands on stuff, which was actually kind of gross, but it was interesting. And it was just refreshing to have to depend on myself, and being on the UCLA campus. I also met a lot of friends there, and I miss them a lot. And all of it was really just fun, and there were lots of good memories.

And then after the half year point, school started, I fucked up, I made mistakes, I didn’t give a shit, I became stressed, things just got shitty, which brings me to today, the last day of the year.

I just carelessly threw everything away. I’m ruining my friendships, I’ve messed up my grades this quarter, and I’m ruining myself. I don’t know what happened, I don’t know why I did the things that I did, but I’m realizing that I’ve made so many mistakes that could have been easily avoided. Things didn’t even seem too bad, but now when I think back during this second half of the year, it’s as if I dug myself a bottomless ditch and I just keep falling and falling, and I become worse and worse.

I just became so careless and uncaring. I said so many heartless and selfish things to people that I care about without realizing that I actually upset them. Telling people to leave me alone, telling them to go away, without any consideration, selfishly telling them about myself and disregarding their life. I feel terrible about it now, and I really did fuck up my friendships. And what’s worse is that I’m not even bothering to make any amends. I’m just isolating myself further, and I don’t even make the effort to talk to people. Conversations are all empty.

I completely slacked off this quarter, to the point that I’m actually getting a D+ in one of my classes. Compared to my normal A’s and occasional B’s, this is definitely a dramatic fall in my grades. If I wanted to get anywhere in life, I know that I needed to get decent grades in high school, and I just end up fucking up this quarter. The last two weeks of this quarter, I knew that I fell into some deep shit and I desperately tried to get a higher score, to no avail. Going to sleep past 2 in the morning, unable to even sleep because my mind was constantly plagued with anxiety and thoughts of disappointment, staying awake in classes only due to caffeine, and acting like a bitch to everyone because I was too exhausted to deal with anyone.

And I actually thought that I was alright. I kept telling myself that I’m fine, and I’m just worrying about stupid stuff and that I need to get over it because no one cares. And so I ignored everything, and just said that I didn’t care. But my personality is really just shit, and people were right when they think that I’m a shit person. Though I really thought that I was okay for once, and even though I was never really happy, I was content, but I was just being selfish, careless, and rude. Maybe I really was always like this and I only realized it now. But everything truly did seem like everything was okay, yet now I find myself stuck in depression’s vicious cycle again, and I really just need to get myself together again.